35 experts advise how to handle negative comments (part 4)

By radek

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35 experts advise how to handle negative comments - Part 4

  1. Profundity of banality
  2. Wasted potential
  3. The Question
  4. Outside Criticism
  5. Self Criticism
  6. Omittance
  7. Rebecca Fraser-Thill [rebeccafraserthill.com]: Focus only on things you can control
    Victor Schueller [animityhealth.com]: Meditate, find yourself
    Therese Schwenkler [theunlost.com]: Let go of expectations
    Evan Carmichael [evancarmichael.com]: Find people who have done what you want to do
    Steve Mueller [planetofsuccess.com]: Just keep going!
    Josh Hinds [getmotivation.com]: Your idea is worth pursuing
  8. Bottom Line
  9. Thibaut Meurisse [whatispersonaldevelopment.org]: 4 advices

VI. Omittance

Picture that typical movie scene.

The cop is leaning against the wall, right next to the door he’s about to force open, holding the gun close to his head. He’s listening, trying to figure out who’s inside and when to kick the door out.

Three… Two… One… Kick!

His eyeballs scan the place inch by inch, but nobody seems to be inside. With both hands straightened, still firmly holding the gun, he carefully walks around the apartment. His high adrenaline level starts to rise even higher, his senses are sharpened, his focus — laser precise. He knows that the villain can hide behind any corner, any door, any sofa, any curtain…

Minutes later he realizes, that nobody is inside.

Hope that clarifies our pick for cover image


Have you ever been preparing for a clash, be it intellectual, verbal, physical, only to realize nobody is interested in fighting with you, or worse — nobody even showed up? Than you know that feeling. You created something beautiful, something meaningful to you, you know some people will love it, but you also anticipate that some people won’t, and you have all the responses to the criticism ready to be fired.

Put the gun down, it’s clear. Nobody’s here. Nobody cares.


Just when you thought that criticism is the worst kind of discouragement you will need to handle, new player just joined the game — the omittance.

Rebecca Fraser-Thill - rebeccafraserthill.com
Rebecca Fraser-Thill

RebeccaFraserThill.com

The most discouraging thing I’ve experienced while building my coaching business occurred early on when I couldn’t find as many coaching clients as I expected.

I bounced back by focusing on what I could control, like writing and distributing strong blog posts, and let the client generation process happen more organically. I’ve also learned to rely on meditation and running to help me stay centered whenever I’m feeling discouraged, whether in business or life in general.

More about Rebecca Fraser-Thill

Rebecca Fraser-Thill is a blogger whose articles you can read on RebeccaFraserThill.com. Speaker, writer for The Huffington Post, career coach and devoted mother. Her articles are supported by science and research, but that’s exactly what you would expect from psychology lecturer at Bates College, right? A+

Such a beautifully obvious solution. Instead of trying to control things you simply can’t control, focus on those you actually can. Invest your time, your money, your energy, your creativity in something that you can have the real impact on.

By doing so you will improve that controlled area, and it is very possible that all those things you can’t control, will follow.


One of the things we can control are our feelings. Surprised?

Victor Schueller - animityhealth.com
Victor Schueller

AnimityHealth.com

The most discouraging thing I’ve heard while working on my blog and business is actually something that makes no noise — it’s silence. It’s the silence that accompanies my reaching out or prospecting, only to get no response. I know I can help someone, but they don’t allow me the opportunity to share how I can help them.

I wouldn’t say that I have a “trick,” per se, on how to recover from this. I have come to realize that the frustration, or negative feelings that I’ve experienced from this type of interaction originates from within me. I control how I feel. My feelings are my responsibility, and to distribute the responsibility of my feelings upon the person who does not respond is misplaced. My negative feelings only come as a result of my desire or expectation of a response. When I let go of that expectation or desire the negative feelings dissolve. I’ve learned that I need to go “inside,” and spend time in meditative contemplation to connect with God and to come to revelations like I shared above. For me, there is no substitute for meditation, and my only real challenge is finding more time in my busy schedule to engage in this important and vital practice.

More about Victor Schueller

Victor Schueller is a life coach, author of two books, speaker, running his award-winning self development blog AnimityHealth.com. From couch potato to marathoner, Victor focuses mostly on well being, teaching methods that helped him to transform his very own life. Great, in-depth articles with more scientific approach.

Controlling your feelings, the foundations of your state of being, is not an easy task. There is no quick trick to master that skill. It requires a solid groundwork, focus, time, and strong willingness to make a change.

Meditation is one of the methods to achieve that goal.
Not the easy one, true.
Not the quick one, indeed.
Totally worth it, for sure.

Meditate

Meditation is a phenomenon - it's free, it can cure, it brings inner peace... And what's your excuse for not practicing it?


Silence indeed can be very discouraging, but disappointing results could be even worse.

Silence can fool you. Silence can make you think, that maybe you messed up the marketing part, but your stuff is still good! Silence tells you “I need 5 more minutes, success is almost there”.

But “smaller than anticipated” feeling leaves no doubts — despite all your hard work and preparation, you did no good thing. Which probably isn’t true, but how would we know that?

Therese Schwenkler - theunlost.com
Therese Schwenkler

TheUnlost.com

At first, it was discouraging when I didn’t get the amount of feedback or views or shares on a post as I had hoped for. I’ve also had product launches with far lower sales than anticipated. Lastly, occasionally I’ll receive nasty emails or comments on my blog.

The key for me in overcoming discouragement lies in letting go of expectation and outcome. Before I write or launch anything, I like to ask myself, ‘Would I do this no matter what — regardless of the outcome?” When I create from a place of joy and with the intent to help people, and when I know that the act of creation itself is valuable, then the need for a particular outcome drops away. Ironically, creating from this mindset is MORE likely to lead to a desired outcome than simply striving for the end result. Jonathan Mead once posted something that said, “Love the path more than the goal and everything gets easier.” I love that. When I embody this view of my work, it doesn’t matter whether I “succeed” or “fail.” The fulfillment comes from the act of creation itself.

Overlooking nasty comments becomes easy when I don’t take it personally. Typically the person is in a lot of pain. I usually either ignore the comments, or write something back that’s actually sympathetic with the place I believe the person is coming from.

When I embody these two perspectives, discouragement begins to drop away and everything becomes easy.

More about Therese Schwenkler

Therese Schwenkler is an ex accountant on her journey to change the world, running her popular blog, TheUnlost.com. She will help you find your way if you’re not sure where’re you going. Featured on BuzzFeed, Huffington Post, The Daily Love… Sounds too serious? Don’t worry, her posts, while insightful, are real, humorous, and light.

Joseph Campbell’s “follow your bliss” principle never gets old.

These days we are obsessed with “overnight success” stories. Instead of focusing on doing a good thing that comes from our hearts, we’re all in rush to find a quick “hack” for life, “proven method” for success in business, perfect pick up line etc… We started to believe, that if whatever we’re working on doesn’t bring immediate results, we’re doing something wrong.

And that kills all the joy, all the fulfillment. Instead of enjoying the process of creation, we’re checking the results, we’re staring at the statistics, we’re measuring the “success”. Needles to say, frustration is already in the corridor, listening, waiting to kick the door open.

But she knows for sure that you’re inside, all angry, confused and vulnerable.

Find the joy, find the passion, find the happiness in your creations, and frustration will starve herself to death not being even able to come anywhere close to you.


As specific as this blog post is, as targeted as those methods are, there is one advice that is universal and evergreen, because it is about to appear for the third time (each time in different category). Model someone else’s success:

Evan Carmichael - evancarmichael.com
Evan Carmichael

EvanCarmichael.com

The most discouraging thing in my business career happened at the start.

I was putting tons of work into my business and wasn’t getting results and I wanted to quit. But I woke up the next day and decided I couldn’t quit. I cared too much. I just needed to find another way to stand. I realized that I wasn’t the first person to try to sell software before. So I modeled success. I looked at how Bill Gates started Microsoft, modeled his success, and within a few months had my first deal for $13,500.

Ever since that day if I don’t know how to solve a problem, I look to model someone who has already solved it. It’s what my YouTube channel is all about. My book as well.

Find people who have done what you want to do so you can shortcut your path to success.

More about Evan Carmichael

Evan Carmichael from EvanCarmichael.com and his popular YT channel "Modeling The Masters" with almost 900k subscribers, is a lifelong entrepreneur, self development guru and the author of “Your One Word” book. When not dancing salsa or DJ-ing, he’s teaching how to be successful in life and business. Or the other way around…

Again, as simple as that. Have you ever asked your friend how he lost so much weight? Or where she bought the new dress? Or how he landed a job you envy him for? Or how she answered to that test question you couldn’t figure out?

I bet you did. In fact, that’s what I am doing in this very blog post — asking successful people how they overcame the discouragement, because that is something we constantly need to deal with.

This is the real perpetuum mobile  when it comes to fighting negativity and overcoming discouragement. Bill Gates was a role model to Evan, Evan now that he is successful, is a role model to hundreds of thousands of his readers and YouTube subscribers, and those readers and subscribers, upon achieving their own success, will be a role models to the next generations.

That just can’t go wrong!


How about this scenario. You do have some success, perhaps even significant one. Then one day, out of nowhere, it’s gone, or got far weaker than it was. Just when you though you’re on the right path, things seem to take the wrong turn.

Steve Mueller - planetofsuccess.com
Steve Mueller

PlanetOfSuccess.com

I think the most discouraging thing is to wake up in the morning and to see some significant reductions of your website’s traffic. This has happened to many of us, I’m sure. But it’s always so difficult to recover from such setbacks.

The most important thing is to keep going so that you get back on track. Never give up, even in the face of your greatest discouragements.

More about Steve Mueller

Steve Mueller can be found on the PlanetOfSuccess.com. You won’t find much information about Steve on his blog, because it’s more about you, your life, your happiness, your goals, your fulfillment, your motivation, your success. There’s a plenty of space for you on his planet, so feel free to pay him a visit!

Success is not a straight line. It likes changes. It likes ups and downs. It likes action, sharp angles on the chart, extremes, adrenaline.

Many successful athletes admit on a regular basis — it’s easier to win the first place than to keep it. Success is like a good relationship, requires constant work, constant engagement. But it’s absolutely worth it.

So if everything was going well for you and out of sudden you’re having a setback, relax, take a deep breath, don’t panic, and continue your journey. Don’t get discouraged because of it, think what you have achieved so far! Let that though drive you, not a small bump on the road.

It's easier to win the first place then to keep it

Winning can happen. To keep the first place is whole different story!


Last example — you reached out for the help. Not only you didn’t get it - you got rejected! As if someone judged you, your potential, and didn't see you worth his time!

Don’t worry, we’ve got that covered too!

Josh Hinds - getmotivation.com
Josh Hinds

GetMotivation.com

Almost anything worth while will be met with naysayers, or even times of self doubt. That said, early on when I would reach out to other authors and people who’s work I admired, and ask them about sharing their work with our audience (especially early on when just getting started) — I would share vision for what we wanted to do and some folks occasionally would not see a benefit in contributing their work.

Of course that was perfectly fine, but I would sometimes mistakenly take it to question if what we hoped to do was worthwhile or not.

Fortunately, about the time one person might decline to participate someone else would agree too, and at the same time our audience would continue to grow. The more I stuck to the plan, did what needed doing, and of course corrected as I needed, the more I found things working out.

The really funny thing was that eventually a lot of the early folks who didn’t see it as a fit, eventually came to us wanting to share their work on our site, and in many cases have become great friends and colleagues.

One of the biggest things that helped and still helps me is realizing that just because someone may not be interested or able to get behind an idea I have, doesn’t mean it’s not worth pursuing. Making sure I don’t take a “no” personally has been really important in my life.

More about Josh Hinds

Josh Hinds’ website name speaks for itself: GetMotivation.com. He’s a seasoned veteran in the world of motivation and personal development, Josh has been around online since 1996 inspiring other through his work. He is an inspirational author, writer & publisher. Whenever you need motivation, be it articles, audio programs, quotes or coaching, Josh is your man. A must see!

Not everyone is going to like you, your blog, your art, your goal. Some people will verbalize their opinion, and that probably won’t be a nicest moment in your life.

On the other hand, some people will love it. They will verbalize it too. Use that to counterbalance the negativity. Save it to your notepad, put on your desktop, write it down so you can look at it each time you’re having doubts. Eventually the positive comments will overload your capacity, so the negative ones simply won’t fit in anymore.


VII. Bottom Line

Surprised?

You though you’re the only one who has to face the undeserved criticism, endure painful, negative comments or lack of appreciation, after you worked so hard for so long?

“Problem shared is a problem halved” says the famous saying. Now that 35 seasoned goal achievers shared their stories, often very personal stories, your problem is not just halved, it’s shrank, it’s chopped into small, insignificant pieces. On top of that, you are now equipped with about 40 methods, tricks, advices that will help you deal with whatever is left out of the negativity you have accumulated over the years from discouraging comments.

That’s the good news! Bad news? You have no more excuses to give up on pursuing your goal. Not a single one.

Don’t treat this series of blog posts as one-off read. Bookmark it, share with your friends on Facebook, and come back to it each time you have heard something negative, something discouraging. We tend to forget easily, we let the negative emotions take over, slow down our actions and sabotage our agenda.

And this article is your antidote, that you can’t overdose!


Why do I insist on you achieving your goals so badly?

Because achieving something feels great, and every person deserves to experience that feeling. Like love, like safety, like appreciation, like being understood, like nice bath after exhausting day, like cup of hot chocolate in the freezing cold day, like a cigarette after meeting impossible deadline…

Besides, once your goal is achieved, once your problem is resolved, your mind is clear, your hands are free — you can do so much good you wouldn’t believe!

Think about Bill Gates, Richard Branson. Think about your favourite band, your favourite actor, your favourite athlete. Probably at one point or another, they donated a big lump of money to the charity or supported some individual in a way many of us simply can’t afford. But what if we would?

World would be indescribably better place!

This is how true happiness looks like

Forget fancy restaurants, expensive hotels, shiny cars - this is how the true happiness looks like. Making world a better place is easier than you think, it's within your reach.


Having said that, I’d like to sum up this article with the contribution made by Thibaut, because it just so happened that his response contains several advices that beautifully summarize the entire blog post.

Fortunately, since I started my blog back in 2014, I didn’t receive many negative comments from people trying to discourage me. If anything, that’s rather the lack of any feedback for months that was the most discouraging part.

Having said that, I would like to share with you a few tips that helped me recover from discouragement. There are more perspectives than tips per se.

Since I’m a blogger and a writer, the example I’ll use is a negative review I received for my books just a few days ago.

Here is the last line of the 2-star review on Amazon:

“In general I am tired of shelling out money for a flimsy ebook that blogger decided to self publish. Well intentioned I‘’m sure but it does a disservice to the good books out there”.

The first thing I do is to realize that not everybody is going to like what I do.

In fact, as a general rule we can say that the more successful we become, the more haters we will have. People like presidents of countries get the votes from a little over 50% of the population. It means that close to 50% of the voters didn’t vote for them and a lot of people hates them.

The second thing I like to do is to remind myself that the downside of receiving negative comments is nothing compared to the upside of pursuing what I’m doing.

Think about it. Let’s say you’ve created a product that has the potential to help thousands of people out there. Now, you may receive bad reviews or naysayers may try to sabotage your efforts. However, often, the value of helping just one person with your product (upside) will be bigger that the downside of receiving thousands of negative comments. That’s especially true if your product is affordable or can have a massive impact in someone else’s life.

Getting discouraged and giving up would be doing a huge disservice to people who could benefit from your product. The downside is just pissing off a few people who’ll forget about you very soon anyway. The upside is changing someone else’s life! Letting a few negative comments stop me would be such a foolish thing!

The third thing I like to do is to act as if nothing had happened.

To distract my mind from what happened, I start working on an task immediately after I received a negative comment. It prevents the negative emotions from sinking in and leaving a footprint on my mind.

For the same reasons, I also avoid talking about it to anyone and never respond to the person who criticized me. Getting into an argument will only add fuel to the fire.

The fourth thing I do is to look at negative reviews on books that I love.

Even the most popular books on the world have one-star reviews on Amazon. What wouldn’t my book? It’s actually a good sign that it’s getting into more hands.

You can probably find a similar way to deal with negative comments in your own life.

More about Thibaut Meurisse

Thibaut Meurisse will share his insights on WhatIsPersonalDevelopment.org. As someone who has moved from his homeland, France, all the way to Japan, Thibaut has a lot of expertise in that field. Expertise backed by his own experience rather than theories from the library. Generous blogger, author, dreamer and achiever. You won’t be disappointed!

I hope you've got everything to beat up the negativity and disarm the discouragement. Ball's on your court.

If you come across something we didn't cover in this series of articles, write a comment, and we'll lock ourselves in the lab and won't leave until we have a solution!




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