35 experts advise how to handle negative comments (part 3)

By radek

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35 experts advise how to handle negative comments - Part 3

  1. Self Criticism
  2. Rebecca Watson [sunnysanguinity.com]: Stand up to the bully
    "No one will like your stuff!"
    1. Courtney Carver [bemorewithless.com]: Write it out
    2. Melody Fletcher [melodyfletcher.com]: You can't be everything to everyone
    3. Ryan Bonaparte [crazyenoughtotry.com]: Accomplish it!
    Suzie Cheel [suziecheel.com]: Be true to yourself
    Tova Payne [tovapayne.com]: Follow your heart
    Sandra Bilbray [themediaconcierge.net]: Face your fear
    Farnoosh Brock [prolificliving.com]: Hire real coaches See more:

V. Self Criticism

As unpleasant and hurtful as comments can be, turns out we can be pretty sadistic to our own selves too! You want to put me down? Joke’s on you, I already did it to myself!

Underlying reason behind negative self-thoughts is us, naturally, us comparing ourselves to others. To our disadvantage, we tend to be very unfair, and mostly compare things that we are not as good at, as the other person. Someone is taller? You wish you were! You are smarter and healthier, but you don’t have that person’s height, so that’s obviously what you envy them for.

So here we are, constantly comparing ourselves to others. Ourselves, our life achievements, our possessions… Since we mostly compare things that we don’t have, usually we end up losing this game of show off. And the doors to the negative self thinking are now wide open. Negative thoughts, make yourself at home!


Rebecca Watson - sunnysanguinity.com
Rebecca Watson

SunnySanguinity.com

I have definitely heard my fair share of criticism, but I preview and approve all comments on my blog, so the ones that fall under the category “hostile purely for hostility’s sake”, never see the light of day. I’ve embraced the don’t-feed-the-trolls philosophy and it has worked fairly well for me. I seem to be able to let those go fairly quickly.

Weirdly (or maybe not so weirdly) I think the most discouraging things I have heard about my blog have come from myself. My inner critic can be ruthless, and for years I’d censor myself trying to make it happy. It took me awhile to figure out that this was an impossible task, so I slowly began to stand up to it, leaving in words, paragraphs and finally entire blog posts that it believed I had no business writing. This did not stop the negative comments at first, but it did give me a kind of bravery I’d never experienced before. And the more I practiced standing up to the bully in my brain, the easier it became. That isn’t to say it doesn’t speak up anymore, but it does mean that most of the time I have the good sense to ignore it.

More about Rebecca Watson

Rebecca Watson runs SunnySanguinity.com. Her goal is to spread positive vibes, and it seems like a perfect timing to pay her a visit because the summer is almost over. Very well written, very optimistic and heartwarming articles on love, relationships, happiness, travel and living your passion by the ex journalist and book author


I started with Rebecca’s story because it’ll be a great introduction / reference to what this section is about.

Outside comments, paradoxically, we can control to some extent. We can delete nasty email, report abusive message, scroll the screen down, put the headphones on, or just walk away.

But the voice inside our head is far harder to control, and it stays there, it travels with you, no matter where you physically go. If you won’t stand up to that bully, as Rebecca described it, it will make your life a living hell.

Solution?

That little, shy guy in your head called “positive thought”… take him to the gym, get him to do push ups, and kick that bully’s ass once and for all.

If pushups is too much work, just make friends with a penguin


"No one will like your stuff!"

Interestingly enough, that bully is not very creative. It just so happened several bloggers had their own bully using the very same line to discourage them: “no one will like your stuff”. One bully, three bloggers, three solutions:

Courtney Carver - bemorewithless.com
Courtney Carver

BeMoreWithLess.com

The most discouraging thing I probably heard was my own voice from time to time saying that what I was offering wasn’t interesting, different, or good enough. We are our own worst critics. If I felt very discouraged, I wrote it out. Seeing my harsh words on paper allowed me to see that they weren’t true or meaningful and I could let them go and get back to work.

More about Courtney Carver

Courtney Carver changed her life by simplifying it after a devastating diagnosis in 2006. She’s the founder of BeMoreWithLess.com and minimalist fashion challenge Project 333. Her new book Soulful Simplicity will be published December 26 by Penguin Random House. Carver shows us the power of simplicity to improve our health, build more meaningful relationships, and relieve stress in our professional and personal lives.

The magic of pen and paper never loses its power. There’s undisputed efficiency in positive self thinking and doing mental exercises, but some things can be resolved far better when we give them some solid form. Just like to-do list written down, the same way words written on the paper have very different meaning and value than the ones roaming on the back of our heads.

In other words, if you can’t get bully out of your head, put him on the paper and throw the paper to the bin.


Solution number two came from Melody Fletcher.

Melody Fletcher - melodyfletcher.com
Melody Fletcher

MelodyFletcher.com

The most discouraging thing I heard when I started didn’t come from someone else. It came from me. It was the idea that no one would want to read what I wrote. No one would get value from my words. And, quite possibly, people might even react badly to what I was putting out there. It’s a common fear for creators, healers and lightworkers. The “Who am I to put myself out there?” fear.

I overcame it in stages. First, I began by focusing not on them, but on myself. I was writing and sharing because it felt good to me to do so. I couldn’t control how others would perceive it — if they’d like it or not, but I could control how much fun I was having. That helped me get started.

Second, I just began to share. It was still scary, but I did it anyway. I let myself find my voice, which evolved over time.

Third, I realized that I didn’t have to be here for everyone. Not EVERYONE needed to like my stuff or find it valuable. So I just focused on the ones that it would help. I reminded myself that they were, indeed, out there somewhere, and they were looking for me. I focused on how that felt, and on how it felt to think about them finding me, reading my work and loving it.

Between those three things, I was able to quiet that doubting voice in my head. It took a bit of time, but we (the voice and I) are friends now.

More about Melody Fletcher

Melody Fletcher a.k.a. Mellow-D, is an ascension coach and blogger on MelodyFletcher.com. She will empower you to believe in yourself like there’s no tomorrow, teach you about reality creation in a way that actually makes some freaking sense, and make you laugh as you go, because, despite being half German, she’s got great sense of humor. Ready?

Isn’t that amazing, that the most obvious truths are the ones we tend to forget first?

Look around you!

Hardly anything, be it animal, pen, car, building, soil, is even trying to be everything to everyone. Beautiful sports car will be useless in off road, the healthiest “superfoods” plant won’t provide you the same energy and gustatory as a minced beef in a form of grilled burger, and that old shed you’re passing by every day on your way to work, can store the objects that would never fit in your apartment.

Why on earth therefore you assume YOU have to please everyone? It’s not possible, very bad, very stupid, very counterproductive idea. Ditch it now!

Fast and Useless

"Lambo" is fast, beautifully designed, and very expensive. Take it offroad and in 10 minutes you'll be happy to trade it for 500 bucks used dirtbike


Ryan has yet another way to handle the bully:

Ryan Bonaparte - crazyenoughtotry.com
Ryan Bonaparte

CrazyEnoughToTry.com

I had a very supportive group of people around me when I was writing Crazy Enough To Try and continue to have positive influences.

The most discouraging thing I heard was actually from myself. On more than one occasion, I doubted my ability to complete the project and that it would actually be any good. I thought “No one is going to want to read this.” I don’t really put too much value into what others say if I believe in something, but I definitely struggle when I doubt myself.

However, those doubts were often short-lived, mostly because even if that was true, and no one wanted to read it, I would be able to say I completed it. And it was a learning experience, which is hard to regret.

More about Ryan Bonaparte

Ryan Bonaparte is the author and founder of CrazyEnoughToTry.com, a book and blog dedicated to helping people build their passions into their lives. Whether you’re just starting out, or have been working in your career for most of your life, he truly believes there are ways to incorporate passion into your work, your hobbies, or your family.

That is in many ways similar trick Sid Savara is using — focus on the finish line. If, for some magical, supernatural reason, nobody likes what you did (very unlikely, really!), you still completed something you can be proud off. Not only that though.

You have learned great deal of new things, skills, tools, you’ve met new people, maybe you traveled places… That itself is a topic for another, huge blog post, because benefits of creating something, completing something, are really hard to overvalue.

Nobody wants what you’ve created? Fine, because now you have new superpowers that will let you create things people will love!


Internet is a blessing. It gives us instant access to all kinds of information!

Internet is a curse. It gives us instant access to all kinds of information!

Suzie Cheel - suziecheel.com
Suzie Cheel

SuzieCheel.com

The most discouraging thing for me was getting back in the groove of blogging after being told there were so many rules to writing and running one’s blog. Took the passion away. When I started blogging back in 2006 on The Abundance Highway I developed a great following and often blogged everyday.

Right now I am loving blogging again by being true to me, my message and breaking the “so called rules” that I believed I had to follow to be successful. Since starting to share from my heart again the response has been so positive I am starting to write again on a much more regular basis and loving it!

More about Suzie Cheel

Suzie Cheel runs her very cheerful, spiritual and optimistic blog SuzieCheel.com. In between her very frequent blog posts on motivation, spiritual health or love, she’s coaching women and men to help them “Open hearts to love, so they can dare to dream again “, find their life purpose, happiness, fulfillment and joy in every moment of life. Suzie also is an Intuitive artist and the creator of The Heart Whisper Oracle Card Deck.

Many people, who started their online adventure between 2000 and 2010 probably enjoyed the freedom they had. You could be yourself, do what you love, and people appreciated you and your creations. It all changed after marketers discovered that there are certain patterns that make your blog higher in google results, gives you more click, generates more revenue, etc…

Unfortunately that also killed the joy we had, when rules were not “obligatory”. So it’s really brave what Suzie did, because she risked her blog’s popularity and decided to disobey. And it turned out to be a very good decision! This is a high — risk level trick though, so I recommend you use it only when you’re 100% confident about your work.

Too many rules kill the joy

Rules are made to make our lifes easier. But when too many, they kill the joy of creation


Tova had in a way similar issue, but instead of set of rules terrorizing her freedom, these were doubts, whether the readers will want to hear what she has to say.

Tova Payne - tovapayne.com
Tova Payne

TovaPayne.com

The most challenging thing was playing the balance of what do I think my readers want to hear versus what is my soul asking to write?

I’ve come to see that when I write from my soul — that is normally what my readers need.

As a writer — when I share a story it’s not just my story. I’ve come to recognize that the stories I share, and the topics I write about, are the same things that other people are dealing with, and that’s why the posts that I’m most hesitant to hit “publish” on, or the ones that I write up real fast — are normally the ones that get the most traction.

More about Tova Payne

Tova Payne is a founder of TovaPayne.com blog. A speaker, consultant and yoga teacher, seasoned writer, previously published on Tiny Buddha or Mind Body Green, currently also writing for Huffington Post. Having degree in psychology, yoga practice and great writing abilities, expect nothing but spiritual perfection in her articles!

Another great example of a rebellious approach to mainstream. Yes, there are research, yes, there are “proven methods”, yes, there are rules of thumbs… And yes, there are exceptions to all of the above.

If you do what you love, your passion will shine through. The quality of your creation will be different, it will feel complete, it will feel right, it will feel solid. Not only to you, but to everyone else, it will feel like a quality thing. The positive feedback you will undoubtedly receive will surely give you motivation boost to keep doing what you do best.


But to get to that stage, we need to make one, critical step.

We need to start.

Sandra Bilbray - themediaconcierge.net
Sandra Bilbray

TheMediaConcierge.net

I think clarity on a goal is essential!

When I was a little girl I wanted to be a writer. My biggest obstacle was me. I struggled with self-doubt due to a tough childhood. I thought I’d wake up one day and feel like a professional writer and then I could go and be one. It wasn’t true.

I had to take my shaky self-image with me as I interviewed to be a writer at SUCCESS magazine, and it led to a wonderful position as columns editor for the national magazine. I discovered that you have to pursue your goals relentlessly in the face of self-doubt or fears.

Author Russ Harris once said, “The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later.” I wish someone told me that gem of wisdom a lot earlier! Feeling nervous is not an indication that you can’t do something, it just means you nervous.

Today I write for the national newsstand magazine Live Happy and I couldn’t be happier! Decide you will be relentless in your pursuit of your goal and walk straight into fear. Success and exhilaration live on the other side of fear!

More about Sandra Bilbray

Sandra Bilbray is a contributing editor for Live Happy magazine and former columns editor for SUCCESS magazine. She is also published in Huffington Post, MindBodyGreen, Forbes and other national publications. She is the founder of TheMediaConcierge.net a company dedicated to creating content for authors, speakers, and thought leaders. Writing about personal growth, wellness and fitness, Sandra inspires people to live more fulfilling lives. Red wine lover and jogging enthusiast!

Our life path is usually one, incredibly long and even more incredibly complex combination of unpredictability, pure luck and reckless chaos. Yes, on top of it there is also a gentle hint of the knowledge and experience we accumulated, added only to trick us to believe we do have control over our lives.

From evolutionary point of view, it served us well as a safety switch, preventing us from getting into trouble of underestimating danger. Unfortunately, it also often results in us not feeling "ready", not feeling "prepared", not feeling "there yet" enough, to make the first step towards achieving our goals.

Solution? More knowledge! More books! More videos! More tutorials! More training sessions! More Ted talks! More... More? Are you sure?

Sandra's got the point. You will most likely never feel fully ready. Part of you will always be whispering to your ear that you should postpone your actions to avoid failure or embarrassment. And while we all can agree that attempt to write a novel if you never even read one, or signing up for a mega marathon if you barely can jog for 3 minutes, is a bad idea (because in these cases you simply aren't ready, period!), I fully second Sandra - you just have to go for what you want, despite the self-doubts, fears, and uncertainties you'll feel. If you name any successful person who achieved something great, I guarantee - he / she weren't ready, he / she felt doubts, he / she did it anyway. And so should you.


Now that we went through all stories and many, many examples on solving problems DIY style, you might be asking: what if I just can’t handle the problem myself?

Farnoosh Brock - prolificliving.com
Farnoosh Brock

ProlificLiving.com

The most discouraging thing I heard, or felt rather, is how “hard” it is to build a successful business from blogging, and how many blogs fail.

Well, there was a lot of truth to all of that, and my journey to working through that was first to build a blog that was meaningful to me, and that I was proud of, but I also wanted a business, a successful profitable 6-figure business, and I realized that I could not do that by only blogging.

So I had to educate myself to learn business acumen and to offer a service or a product or a business model that lent itself to the 6-figure income as well as the balance of lifestyle, yoga, travel and rest and recreation that I desired.

So my #1 recommendation to you is to do what helped me, which is to hire real coaches, to learn the process, to invest heavily in my own growth and confidence and business acumen and to be able to then charge the prices and scale up to a model that creates precisely what I set out to do.

In fact, today, I no longer blog or podcast. I have my Mindset Mastery Youtube channel and I work with clients. It’s the perfect business for me and my lifestyle.

More about Farnoosh Brock

Farnoosh Brock is a business coach to entrepreneurs and executives at ProlificLiving.com. She helps her clients make big leaps by focusing on their values, intuition, life priorities and smart strategy. She also runs a Mindset Mastery video channel on YouTube. She has a deep passion for entrepreneurship, business mindset, travel, green juices, yoga and living in harmony with your mind and soul. Connect with her on ProlificLiving on social media or on her website.

There will be times for some of us where self-help won’t be sufficient to handle the problems we try to resolve. Farnoosh recommends to give a professional a go in that very moment.

We tend to think this is a waste of money, because so much free knowledge is available online. That is indeed true, but filtering all that information takes hours, day, or sometimes weeks. Maybe at that time it is indeed better idea to get a professional advice, knowing that both, diagnosis and treatment will be far more accurate?



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